Song: All I need is you, All I need is you, All I need is you oh my God! -Erica Campbell
- A. to refuse to believe, accept, consider, or submit to something/someone.
- To refuse to hear, receive, or admit
- To refuse as lover or spouse (Mirriam-Webster)
One of the hardest parts of dating is rejection. Throughout my life, I have suffered with rejection. I would cry myself to sleep when that ugly voice came to tell me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough to be accepted. Not just by men but also by friends, family, ministry leaders, employers etc. I felt unnoticed, left out and cast away. But the one that hurt the most was rejection from men. God had promised me a husband in prayer about 5-6 years before I started dating Jerome (my husband). I doubted God and only saw rejection.
Due to this fear of rejection, I began to manipulate and destroy any opportunity for a real connection. The men I did like, I rejected them myself and put them in the friend zone. The men I didn’t like I soaked up their attention. It wasn’t even a conscious effort. It just manifested on it’s own. After not being chosen or pursued by men that I wanted for so long, I unconsciously began the process of settling. I settled for being the “bestfriend” of someone I counted myself out of being with, and used those I really wanted to reject. In the end, I rejected myself from ever feeling the love I truly desired. It was a cycle of destruction.
After my heart was broken and I was totally discombobulated in my feelings, After my “best friend” found the love of his life. I began to seek the Lord for help. I trusted him in every area of my life except this one. The rejection from the past caused me to even push God out of that room in my heart. He began to reveal to me the baggage I was carrying around and how it was cluttering my heart, mind and soul. Once I identified the bags, I had trouble letting them go.
Everyday during my prayer time I would read Psalm 51. For months he lead me to that scripture. Psalm 51:10 says Create in me a clean heart O Lord and renew a right spirit within me. Each week I would go to church on Sunday and Bible Study on Thursday, and cry out to God to be Right! I wanted with all my heart to be Right more than anything. My heart needed cleansing in order to be able to receive love properly. Not just from Men, but from God.
During the cleansing process, He taught me what love really was and how I was rejecting his love for me. I began to love God which started with patience. If I loved God I would be patient with him to bring me the spouse he desired for me rather than trying to accumulate a group of men to meet my needs. Once I began to depend solely on him, the tears started drying up, my heart was mended, and I became whole in him. I was so wrapped up in love with Jesus I started to blush and be kiddy like a first love. Once he showed me myself and loved me flaws and all, I couldn’t resist his love. I was so happy with him, I didn’t need a man like I thought I did. Having a man became unnecessary for the first time in my adult/teen life.
He taught me that his desires for my future spouse were so much greater than my own. On my first date with Jerome, I was very open with my expectations in a relationship and my comfort in being single. After the date we didn’t go out again for months. I thought to myself oh well he wasn’t for me. In the past I would have sought him out. Or cried for month about all the reasons I could think of that I was being rejected once again. However the spirit of rejection had no control over me. I was totally comfortable alone with Jesus.
About a week before Jerome asked me out again I began to doubt God and try to take matters into my own hands again. I created a promiscuous (lunch, movie, and making out) situation with a man I knew was not my husband. It was a very scary place to be, because I felt no guilt or shame, and told my friends I would probably go back for more. The guy was very confused and upset by the situation. Honestly I had used him and let him know he was an easy target. This really hurt him, however I didn’t feel anything. God became quiet.
I believe Jerome was a God-send. If he had not come when he came I would have given up on my virginity, marriage and probably given into the plans of the Devil. Jerome was exactly what I wanted in a partner and exactly what I needed in a husband. God used him to save me from going back into my mess. Even now I know I don’t deserve him. All the mistakes and manufactured relationships I had shouldn’t have brought me a GREAT man like him. However God loves to show off right on time. He turned my rejection into acceptance. Sometimes I smother my husband because I am in such awe of who he is and that he actually accepts me flaws and all. I thought only Jesus could do that, but unconditional love can be found on earth through Jesus. The promise he made me was fulfilled.
Bible Story: Abraham and Sarah were promised a child. Sarah felt it was taking too long so she had her servant sleep with her husband to create a child. They created Ishmael who caused Sarah to be mean and be jealous. Even though she made this mistake of Ishmael and even laughed at God’s promise.
“13 And the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.” Gen. 18:13-14
God still blessed her with a child in her old age. His name was Isaac which means laughter. (Paraphrased Gen. 16-21)
- Believe the promise God told you. (2 Cor. 1:20)
- Cleanse your heart from baggage/rejection. (Ps. 51:10)
- Fall in love with Jesus. (Psalms 37:4)
- Don’t try to create the promise. (Gen. 16)
- Be patient and prepare for the promise. (2 Cor. 7:1)
“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” –2 Cor. 1:20